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Today's Horoscope
Aquarius: Aquarians living near water of any kind, including kitchen faucets, much less lakes
or the sea, must be on guard during early evening. Do not take a shower or walk on the beach.
In your home, if you can find the spot furthest from pipes, aquariums, soft drinks, cat dishes, and
evening thunderstorms, you are likely to find long-lost items of sentimental value. Stay away
from Pisces children during this sensitive period. Abjure watching TV shows set on or near
water. Study sand paintings for clues to your life's significance.
Aries: {Yes, they are in alphabetical order.} All that hardheaded energy is going to be needed
in the evening when nearby animals and people with primitive consciousnesses decide you are
divine. You will be tempted to agree. Don't. It's not true. If you can resist until after midnight,
then the realization that it's not true will strike you just in time, just before it strikes them too. If
you blow this, though, public humiliation, including your name in the paper, is guaranteed. A
relative you are better off not knowing about will come out of the woodwork. If an Aries, do
yourselves both a favor and do not accept this person as a houseguest. If Sagittarius, though,
that's a different story--take that person in.
Cancer: You will lose your temper in early afternoon, and it's about time. Your only danger is
in moderation. The target of your anger is an Earth sign, and that they just stand and take it
should not deter you from your wrath. Screaming is good. Shaking and quavering voice are
good. Staring strangers are good. Acute self-doubt afterwards is just fine. Tomorrow you will
be a different person. About time for that, too.
Capricorn: There's not much going on here. It doesn't make much difference what you do or
don't do. You probably won't do much.
Gemini: It is very important in the next few days that you learn where your constellation is in
the sky. Use Orion as the landmark--any Cub Scout can help you. Once you find Orion, fix on
the belt, that line of three bright stars angling up and to the right. Starting with the one on the
right end, sight up through the bright star at the end of Orion's raised arm to the left, and the line
will go angling right through Gemini. The heads are prominent, the feet likewise, and it looks
like they have their arms around each other, as if you were on good terms with yourself. Ha.
Now what we want out of this in the next three nights is for you to watch for satellites, meteors,
flashes of light in your sign. Those who see these should start buying lottery tickets, for large
stakes. Those who look but don't see still help their fate for this coming year. The rest of you
are too lazy and may as well just pack it in.
Leo: The other fire signs are out to get you. If you have a romance going with anyone whose
sun sign is a fire sign, spending time with that person will be destructive to the illusions
necessary for your relationship to continue. Go out alone instead. You are better company
anyway. Give up on the crafts trip and go back to thinking about why there is something rather
than nothing. Your ability to give people unwanted and unheard advice will be at an unstoppable
peak in early afternoon. You have also forgotten a birthday in the last week, and if you can get a
card off today with an abject apology and a chatty, friendly note, you will die rich. Not happy,
but rich.
Libra: Females: Think of men as disasters. But then again, think of them as cute and sweet.
But then again, consider the need to be independent and grounded. Watch out in the early
evening for horses and cemeteries, which if you follow them up, pay attention, then they hold
great hope for your future love life and your potential for sensual fulfillment.
Of course, it's all distant second choice to what you really want.
Males: Think of women as sex objects. But then again, think of them as sources of significance.
But then again, consider what they have done to rob you of your control. But then they have the
keys to your lives, resist all you want. Don't miss the chance to stare at the setting sun. Stare as
though you could see what's behind it all.
Pisces: The fact that you have never really looked hard at either the constellation in the night
sky or the traditional pictures of your sign means you are, after all, just a Pisces. Consider the
resemblance of your sign's visual symbol to the ancient symbol for opposition, the yin and the
yang. Consider how you could with more consciousness make room for incorporating the
conflicting opposites between yourself and your partner, your own more-or-less ethical actions
and the dark impulses within, your ambitions and your laziness, your fancy electronic equipment
and your hillbilly skills, your rationalizations and the simple unreasoned actions. Naaah, didn't
think so.
Sagittarius: An epidemic of accidents will befall Sagittarians during the lunch hour, many of
them involving bicycles. In the emergency room, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES allow
yourself to be taken care of by Libra health care professionals. Romances begun during the
suturing and bandaging will not be regretted but none of them will last past your next birthday
(though the nation's delivery rooms will be busy nine months and ten days from today's date).
Scorpio: Keep your pants on. That's all we ask. All of us. Yes, even that person.
Taurus: Lunch and early afternoon are crucial if your life is to have meaning. You will be
presented with huge opportunities disguised as requests to help with child care or to volunteer
working with wounded people or animals. Your first reflex will be to reject this. You will have
only about an hour to reflect and change your mind, and if the person asking is a Cancer you will
be too late. Don't worry, you will not really have to do any good for people or creatures who
suffer--it's the connections you make here that lead to better things.
Virgo: Virgos on meds should double up on morning dosage; those not on meds should spend
a half hour in the bathroom at work doing powerbreathing between weeping spells. In the
evening tensions will let up, but keep away from Scorpios eager to make eye contact. Remember
that your life is a heroic accomplishment whether it is ever recognized or not. Except with
Scorpios, a casual conversation that leads to curiosity about tattoos will make the next day an
interesting adventure, but that is just fine.
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