BURIED UNDER WORDS?


Here's Help for the Following Wordiness Problems:

The Passive Voice
Nouniness
Other Wordiness Problems



THE PASSIVE VOICE

The passive voice can be recognized by several characteristics, all of which are evident in the opening clause in the sentence you just read:

• The subject of the sentence is not the doer of the action.

• The verb is in the past participial form.

• Because the subject is acted upon, the word "by" is either stated if the doer appears in the sentence, or implied if the doer doesn't appear.

The passive tends to put emphasis on the action done and the receiver, which occupy positions of importance at the beginning of the sentence, and less emphasis on the doer of the action, who is often either in the middle of the sentence or missing entirely. Do you think the use of the passive voice in the beginning of the first sentence on this page is justified? Are we trying to emphasize the passive voice or those who might use it?

Because of these characteristics, the passive is appropriate if:

• You wish to emphasize the action rather than the doer:

Each visitor was given a meal ticket as soon as he arrived.

• The implied doer is obvious and need not be stated:

I was arrested for running a red light.

• You wish to soften the effect of assigning blame:

Your proposal is not competitive because the chargeout rates assigned to senior accountants are too high.

• You wish to avoid the harshness of the imperative (direct command) case:

Smoking is not permitted.

Writing suffers when the passive is used because writers think it sounds more sophisticated, when it is used (intentionally or unintentionally) to obscure the doer of an action when the reader needs to know the doer, or when it is used excessively to make language seem impersonal. Following are examples of the use of the passive voice when the active would be more appropriate:

The raw data is submitted to the data processing division by the sales staff each Friday.

The policies announced in the directive were implemented by the staff.

A copy of your resume must be supplied before you can be considered for the position.

Not enough subjects responded for conclusions to be reached.

For many years, scientists used the passive exclusively in journal articles because it was thought to sound more objective than the use of the first person pronouns (I, we) that appear when you describe in the active voice how you did an experiment. First person pronouns are increasingly acceptable in scientific and business writing.

Writers who use the passive voice also tend to use other wordy or overly formal style elements such as nominalizations and obsolete expressions. Your attention is directed to the following memo (or, without the nominalization/passive voice/obsolete phrase, "Consider the following memo:")

MEMORANDUM

Date: January 1, 1996
To: Kris Powerbroker
From: John Gopher, Operations Review Committee
Subject: Review of Electrical Division

Included hereinafter are the results of the operations review of the Electrical Division that we were asked to conduct in response to a concern on management's part over excessive expenses in the last year. The operations of the Electrical Division were studied by our team for a time period of three weeks, during which time it became evident that there are areas needing improvement. One of our recommendations is that new assembly line tools be purchased for all three assembly lines. This is because so many new operations are now incorporated into each assembly line that the old tools are becoming obsolete. The acquisition of the skills necessary to implement use of the new tools will require that there be some interruption of the assembly lines, but the cost effectiveness of the changeover is obvious. It is also recommended that there be a promotion of the supervisor of Line B, Carol Wood, to the newly created position of Assembly Systems Leader. The integration of the three assembly lines can be accomplished by her, with assistance by an Assembly Line Integration Team, appointed by you and supervised by Ms. Wood. Implementation of the assembly line integration is suggested to occur before acquisition of the new tools. It is felt that following these recommendations will result in all three assembly lines increasing in productivity.

Rewrite the memo in the active voice, using simple, short subject/verb constructions, and eliminating wordiness. Make sure that the committee's findings are clearly stated in the correct sequence. Use the techniques illustrated on page 115 of your text to add variety to sentence structure. Such techniques include:

• Varying sentence length
• Using questions
• Making lists
• Combining related sentences
• Introducing sentences with clauses to vary word order
• Using transitional words and phrases
• Varying the verb form to include, for example, the infinitive

See if you can edit the memo to make it easier to understand. Your own writing style will become sharper as a result. (Or, with the passive voice and nominalizations, "Rewriting of the above to improve readability can be counted upon to result in an increase in the comprehensibility of your own style.")

Additional Source on the Passive Voice From The University of Victoria


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NOUNINESS
(Nominalizations)

"Nominalization" is the grammatical term for a writing style that I call "nouny." Nouny writing takes perfectly good adjectives and verbs and turns them into nouns. For an example, study the following sentence pair:

Before Nominaliztion

We request that when you return, you review the data and report immediately.

After Nominalization

Our request is that on your return, you conduct a review of the data and provide an immediate report.

This sentence pair is from the book Style: Ten Lessons in Clarity & Grace by Joseph M. Williams. This book has the most complete discussion of nominalizations that I have encountered. Check it out!

Nouniness has the following effects on your writing, as illustrated in the examples that follow the list:

Your sentences become longer, generally by about a third.

Your writing has more three-plus syllable words, since many nouns are created from verbs and adjectives by adding suffixes. (For example, polarize changes to polarization.)

Your verbs become abstract, rather than action filled.

Your sentences become repetitive chains of prepositional phrases.


An Example of How Bad Nouniness Can Get

Sentence With Nominalizations:

I made my presentation of my idea to the president, whose reception of it was characterized by enthusiasm, resulting in its transmittal to the Action Committee.

Verbs: made, was characterized, resulting

Prepositional phrase count: 6

Nominalizations: 4


Sentence Without Nominalizations:

I presented my idea to the president, who reacted enthusiastically and transmitted it to the Action Committee.

Verbs: presented, reacted, transmitted

Prepositional phrase count: 2

Nominalizations: 0

NOUNINESS PRACTICE

Rewrite the following sentences, eliminating all wordy nominalizations. (See note below for an explanation of the phrases in italics.)

Will you take all the facts into consideration?

He made the announcement that cancellation of the meeting was likely.

My prediction is that the seminar will be met with praise by the employees.

The death of the cat was likely due to excessive medication by the owner.

The staff's incisive comments were received with appreciation by the TQM team.

Note: Nominalizations often, but not always, go hand in hand with the passive voice. The passages above in italics are nominalizations that also lead to the passive voice. See if you can recognize the following characteristics of the passive voice:

The subject of the sentence is not the doer of the action.

The verb is in the past participial form.

Because the subject is acted upon, the word "by" is either stated if the doer appears in the sentence, or implied if the doer doesn't appear.

An Additional Study Source for Nominalizations


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OTHER WORDINESS PROBLEMS
 Obsolete, Pompous, and Overly Formal Phrases


Tautologies

Techno-Talk and Jargon




OBSOLETE, POMPOUS, AND OVERLY FORMAL PHRASES

Obsolete, pompous, and overly formal phrases are phrases that we have inherited from a time when writing was more formal. Many of them come from the legal profession. If you use them, you may please some readers who haven't abandoned the style of 50 years ago. The majority of your readers will appreciate the more concise style that we'll all be using in the twenty-first century.


TAUTOLOGIES

Tautlolgies are phrases, usually two words, which are repetitive. The second word usually repeats the concept in the first word. Tautologies can usually be fixed by using just one of the two words. Review and fix the following examples:



TECHNO-TALK AND JARGON

Under Construction

Thoughts on Jargon From the University of Victoria English Department

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