How to survive a long-distance relationship

Ahhh. You've fallen into sweet and cheeseball butterflies-in-the-stomach love. Or at least, you think you have. Nothing can wreck you- not that 15 page term paper, not even the nagging boss? With the superhuman powers now bestowed upon you in couplehood, the world is putty in your hands. You are Batman, your other half is Robin. The two of you can ward off anything that comes in harms way of your relationship. Ready for the next challenge? Try keeping that relationship going with about, oh, 572 miles between you.

POW!!

Come on. You can do it. It may hurt a little but with enough hope, trust, and patience (aspects of any relationship), that distance will become nothing but a big number (and a big phone bill).

Many people find their snookums in high school, graduating only to find that one of them wants to stay in their hometown (let's say, San Francisco) for college, while the other wants to figure out how to speak French by, well, going to school in France.

Keeping a relationship alive over long distances can be a daunting task. photo illustration by Kevin Bell

Sometimes someone enters into the military. Or maybe your whole family is just moving far, far away and you have to go with them if you want a roof over your head.

Whatever the case is, distance will almost always come into play at one point of your life or another.

Humboldt State University prides itself on being a school with students that have an individualistic nature. You almost have to be, considering only 33.3 percent of the 7,433 students here come from Humboldt County.

So how exactly are you going to fight off the eee-vill powers and make this thing last? First off, you need a relationship. Something, anything that bonds the two of you and makes you want to stick together. You need to care for that person so much that having to wait a couple months or a year until you physically see them again is worth it. Because if it's not, you're wasting a lot of time and opportunities. Only you (not your partner) really know what makes something worthwhile for you. You need a mutual agreement that the two of you will and want to keep this thing going. Don't agree to stay committed if you know you'll want to look around for something new while you're in the dorms.

Establish the boundaries. In this requires much trust and even more honesty with each other and oneself because it can be easy to fall into insecurity or vagueness when you don't see a person everyday.

Now that you have these things, think about the technicalities of communication. After all, this is what your relationship will be based on for as long as you are apart. With the wonders of our modern world, keeping in touch isn't too hard. How you do it, however, can be a challenge.

"You need to care for that person so much that having to wait a couple months or a year until you physically see them again is worth it."

If you choose to call your snookums to say "Good morning, How's your day going?, and Sweet dreams, honeypie" you may want to invest in a pre-paid calling card. Look into those 10-10 deals or play tennis with the phone companies because 10 cents a minute WILL add up. This can make your phone bill more of a burden than necessary when you're a typical college student who relies on Top Ramen for daily sustenance.

If you don't mind falling into the statistics of being an Internet junkie, email can be a very useful (and cost-effective) way to report the specifics of your day for your girl or boy. Computer labs are scattered generously around campus and every HSU student should have an axe email account through the school, but if you don't like using that one, Internet servers such as Yahoo! and Hotmail offer free email services.

Michelle, a child development senior at HSU, didn't have the luxuries of a phone or email with her long distance relationship. When she met her (ex) boyfriend, Chris, she was attending College of the Redwoods, while he lived on a commune called "Blackbear Ranch." The commune is located in Siskiyou County, 3 hours from Arcata.

The place had no phones or computers, but "whenever he was at a phone, he would call," she said. Snail mail letters helped a little, but by the time they would receive each other's lovenotes, they would have already visited each other. Michelle would drive to the commune two or three times a month, and whenever Chris had a chance to hitch a ride to Arcata, he would surprise Michelle. This lasted for about a year, until the two realized that the relationship was stalemate unless someone was willing to compromise and move. Both of them have a strong sense of independence, and sadly but mutually agreed to give up on the relationship.

"We resent the fact that we had to try so hard to see each other, but we didn't resent each other," Michelle said. So why go through all the hassle to keep their affections alive?

"We were totally in love," she explained. "It was love at first sight and there was no rationality at all. We really wanted to be together."

When asked about the positive aspects of their experience, she said that it made them value each other more and it gave each person the space to live their own lives. She believes they have a "cosmic connection" and that if it's meant to be someday, it will be.

Michelle brings up a two points. One is that being long distance means not seeing that person every single day. Which also means if you're the kind of person with a busy, independent life, this might make keeping a relationship a little easier. However, if you're doing nothing but staring blankly at your bare wall, this can be painstaking and masochistic. The other point is that if you have no intention of eventually being able to keep a "normal" relationship, where's it all going? Sooner or later one of you is probably going to have to compromise your place of living or it's going to keep running it's vicious circle.

Jennifer, an art junior, dealt with quite a long distance between her boy. Originally from Mississippi, Jennifer moved to Japan for 3 years because her father was in the military. A month and half before she had to move back to the states, she met a boy and they connected instantly. Because he would later be moving to Louisiana, they agreed to pursue their feelings- even though they would still have 6 hours between them.

"Both persons have to be dedicated and willing to make sacrifices," Jennifer said.

"Think about how much you need that person next to you, seeing their face, having someone to hold."

So they called each other often, sent "large packages of stuff" back and forth, and kept a closeness through inside jokes and games. Something they used to keep each other constant in the other's thoughts was to think of a new name for breakfast cereal and report it when they next spoke.

Sara Bridges, Ph.D., is an Assistant Professor with the Department of Psychology at HSU. Having experience in helping long distance couples (and having been in one herself), she brought up some issues about dealing with communicating effectively with your partner.

"All in all, a long distance relationship is something most people don't want to go through, it just happens. So like many other things in life, you need to deal with it."

Living with roommates can be frustrating when you're trying to whisper sweet nothingsinto the phone and they're sitting next to you. To the other line, you may sound distant and not quite yourself when they say "I love you" and you respond with "Yeah...uh huh." Bridges suggests that couples develop code words or phrases for these situations so that you can let your partner know someone else is in the room without actually saying it. Examples? How about "Yeah...the Dodgers are doing pretty good" or "The duck quacks at midnight." Maybe not quite that mysterious, but you get the picture.

Another thing to agree upon is how often you will write, phone, or email each other, so that neither of you are anxiously waiting with no response. A known quantity will allow for some sense of security.

Although irksome to think about, arguments and crankiness can be a part of any relationship. When you're in person and ready to strangle each other, it's easy to just take a deep breath and walk into the other room. When you're talking on the phone, however, simply hanging up isn't generally an option. Learn how to agree to say "goodnight" when you're tired of talking, without the other person taking offense. Simply explain yourself. Just because you're both cranky, that doesn't mean the end of the relationship.

When you do actually get the chance to see thier beloved face, it may be hard to not to jump up and down a week before anything ever happens. Bridges calls this "premature excitement" and notes that if a person gets excited too early, by the time they actually see the person, all their energy is gone. Wait until a few hours before you see them to allow yourself the jumping up and down. On that note, don't expect for every visit to reach nirvana; rather, have the best time you can with each other.

Chances are you're going to get lonely by yourself, no matter how much you keep in touch. Keeping close friends and busying yourself with outside activities is definitely a big help and shouldn't be too hard. Pamper yourself with warm baths and reading. Allow yourself to cry like a baby when you need to. And if you need attention from your partner, Bridges said, "go ahead ask and for it."

All in all, a long distance relationship is something most people don't want to go through, it just happens. So like many other things in life, you need to deal with it. Unlike many other things, however, it can work out if you want it enough.