Rock ’n’ Roll Performance Art

The NOISE! demonstrates the finer points of rock ’n’ roll performance art.

From the dark recesses of rock ’n’ roll crawled out a new kind of sound, a sound that cannot be repeated, a sound that goes by the name rock ’n’ roll performance art.

Mothered by Van Halen’s ‘Diamond’ David Lee Roth and fathered by the infamous Iggy Pop, rock ’n’ roll performance art has set a straight path of destruction right through music itself. Created accidentally by Lee and Sean NOISE! — of The NOISE! — the infectious disease that is rock ’n’ roll performance art has spread to such bands as The Future and Thee Make-Out Party. And the epidemic doesn’t seem to be letting up.

This newfound sound is fast becoming the least popular form of entertainment in America. And now you can join the craze by starting your own no-talent band.

You don’t need instruments, you don’t need talent and you don’t need friends. All you need is something that makes noise and a gimmick. Successfully annoy your friends and embarrass your family, as you begin your journey through the seedy underworld of rock ’n’ roll performance art.

When The NOISE! tried to practice, we plugged in our instruments, looked at each other and realized that we had no idea what we were doing. This is why we don’t practice and have made it a rule not to practice or get any better. Because if we could actually play a song, we wouldn’t be rock ’n’ roll performance art.

The Future has other problems practicing though, as the only members of the band are Doktor Rev. Shaw and his Yamaha keyboard.

There’s no sense in practicing when you have no one to practice with. Rock ’n’ roll performance art is a unique form of music that caters to the lazy, untalented people in America.

Songs are probably the least important aspect of rock ’n’ roll performance art as you are probably smashing something, yelling at people or most likely, you lack the basic skills to write and/or perform the tune.

Here are some examples from The Future’s song list: “You’re not the boss of me / You can’t tell me what to do,” “You can’t stop The Future!” and of course, “You’re living in the past / The Future’s coming fast.”

A usual show featuring The Future goes like this: I play something simple, stop, scream the lyrics into the microphone and begin falling on the ground and writhing around. The Future also took a hint from the hair bands of the 1980s by incorporating an acappella ballad — aptly named “Amanda Labonte, I Wanna Have Sex With You” — into its set.

The NOISE! was the first rock ’n’ roll performance group, and it set the stage for all future performers. Beginning with some clear tape and a stack of magazines, The NOISE! produced hundreds of stickers by cutting out the letters of the band from different articles and sticking them to the tape — thus, you have fast, easy and (most importantly) free stickers.

But be sure to think about where you stick them. Because what you call publicity, other people might call vandalism. When The NOISE! performed in Las Vegas, Lee NOISE! stuck a NOISE! sticker onto the lens of a security camera on an elevator near the “strip.” Once the doors opened, we were met by security who forced Lee to remove the sticker.

Another important role in getting your band publicly known is flyers; but, never forget to put your name at the very top of the flyer in bigger letters than everyone else — even if you don’t really deserve it. One more way to get people talking about your band is to talk about it yourself … everyday, all the time.

Tough music requires tough instruments. If you’re going to be breaking things and jumping around, there is always a good chance of you damaging your own equipment. So, don’t buy anything expensive. It’s just a waste of money.

But you don’t have to stick with the customary guitar, bass or drums. It’s fun to experiment with different instruments — such as the washboard, the tambourine or anything else that makes a sound. But before you pick up your guitars, tambourines and kazoos … remember the one rule that we live by: If you can play an instrument, you weren’t meant to play rock ’n’ roll performance art.

Shows are the most important aspect of rock ’n’ roll performance art. They are the time to shine and show the world what you are made of. They are also the most aggravating aspect, as it is nearly impossible to find a venue that will cater to the musical stylings of someone who doesn’t have any musical style.

This is why I recommend searching for open-mic nights. The upside to these are that the people who put on the open mics don’t know what you are going to do until you’re already up there.

The downside to open-mic nights are that they are usually one night stands that end with you either being kicked out.

The Future recently played an open-mic night at Redwood Yogurt. And the band was surprisingly greeted with praise from the patrons. Dressed in a hot pink shirt, tight jeans and Beatle boots, I strutted my way up to the microphone and announced, “We’re The Future, deal with it.”

After I felt I had done enough damage, I finished the three-minute set with a heart-wrenching rendition of “Amanda Labonte.”

Surprisingly enough, I was greeted with applause and compliments — such as, “You are The Future” and, “You have a lot of guts to go up there and do that.” I also received questions from the patrons of the yogurt shop asking me where I was playing next. One father even asked me for a piece of a record that I broke on my head.

When I get up on stage, I’m not there to please your ears. I’m there to please your eyes and put on a good show. This is where the gimmick comes in.

I enjoy breaking things that I buy at thrift shops or that I find on the side of the road. And people actually enjoy watching me break them — probably because they wish they had the courage to go up there and do the same thing

But you don’t have to break things to get people’s attention. You can talk to yourself, cut yourself or do any other crazy thing you can come up with.

When The NOISE! performed at Whittier College, we had a projector playing fast-forward pornography on the wall behind us as we smashed acoustic guitars and broke the drum set we borrowed. And the crowd responded by attempting to steal the snare drum as a souvenir and exclaiming that we were the “greatest live show ever.”

Nobody wants to watch some loser get up on stage and stand in front of a microphone. Insulting the audience and the promoters is another big part of rock ’n’ roll performance art. It’s fun, and no one will do anything about it because they think you’re crazy. And nobody wants to get into a fight with a crazy person.